||[Dec. 28th, 2008|12:21 pm]
I've spent the last several years of my life giving parts of myself out constantly to help or care for people, all while not addressing my own issues, letting them sit in the back of my head and fester, angry at being ignored.|
Now, when I realize I've got nothing left to give, they've finally come out and I realize too late that I should have addressed and tried to do something about all of them earlier. I always existed on the idea that I validated my existance by helping others, but now I can't believe that anymore, and I find myself without a reason to keep going that is for me, and not for someone else. I refuse to exist like that, so I'm left with two options, really:
B) Stop caring so much for others, at the very least until I can sort out my heart and head, if not longer.
I'm not willing yet to go to the first option, and I doubt I'd have the balls to do it, truthfully. I can see in my head a cliff and a black pit, with some voices calling out to me saying, "Join us, you'll like it here, we promise..." Sometimes I have moments where I think they're right, and that's why I've gotta sort myself out, because the fact of the matter is they aren't right, atleast not yet.
I want to go to school next year, but fact of the matter is it's going to be a hard road, harder then it is for most, for me. I've -got- to keep working, because otherwise my debts will do nothing but rack up and slowly drag me down. And the fact of the matter is, even with working during school, I still won't be able to pay any of those debts off, I'll only incur more if, IF I get OSAP. If I don't, my hopes for school will be shot dead before they left the gate. Game set, match. And even then, I keep finding that I want to go to school not to better myself, but because it'll keep me occupied to the point where I won't have time for these thoughts, and I can leave the problems at the door again.
This could all change in a heartbeat, my mind and body change on a day-to-day basis, as does everyone's. So it could be tomorrow I'll be fine, it could be tomorrow I'll be serious about wanting to die, who knows.
This is just me trying to use this journal to sort out my thoughts finally, get them down on paper. If this post worries or scares you, the best I can do is apologize, and tell you that in the end, I'll hopefully be all right.
I think Nacht may have it right, seeing the world in the shades of grey she does now. I think I'm going to take the same route, if not just because I'm not happy with any of the "vibrant colours" in the world, because I never can seem to quite grasp on to them long enough to enjoy myself before I'm forced to let go again. So I'm going to join her in standing on that grey cliff, and ignore the colours in favour of the greys, and let that peace wash over me, hopefully calm my mind again.